My Anxiety Story

“I became a pro at hiding my anxiety, until i used up all my hiding places”

Who am I? I’m a thirty-two year old woman, chef, cat mum & plant lover. Someone who tries to see the positive in everything. Pretty “normal” right?

Without knowing, I somehow found myself being a perfectionist, which in some cases are healthy, and others are not. Throw in a few shitty life events, a giant scoop of sensitive personality, dash of family history , a touch of alcohol and substance abuse in the mix and there we have it….anxiety.

Constant thoughts after conversations- Did I say something I shouldn’t have? Do they think I’m stupid? Am I boring? I should have said this instead of that….endless worry and re-evaluating a simple conversation, that I’m sure the other person has long forgotten, yet it’s still festering inside my head.

Planning holidays or day trips – by the time we’re on the road, I’m already mentally drained. Yeah I don’t mean worrying if I’ve packed enough undies or forgotten my phone charger, I’m in the car burrowing through my handbag triple or quadruple checking if my anxiety medication is in there, where’s my CBD oil? Have I got my ventolin, even though my asthma is few and far between. Have I got a full bottle of water? Incase the “dry mouth” symptom shines through. Wheres my diazapam? You know, just in case. It’s usually around thirty minutes that I can finally relax a little, knowing I have all my things to equip me if the sky should fall. Then I remember, fuck, we’re going to be away from home. My safe place. Then my new mate “agoraphobia” rocks up.

What a bloody shit storm.

As someone who has lived with anxiety since the age of seventeen, I became a pro at hiding my anxiety, until I used up all my hiding places. Living untreated for fifteen years… FIFTEEN YEARS! that’s a hell of a long time! I self managed and spoke about my struggles with my closest friends and to my therapist- my mum!

My anxiety has shown up in different forms during the years, starting with generalised anxiety, social phobia with some compulsive behavior, it has now transformed into panic disorder and agoraphobia. I will go into detail later about all of these types of anxiety plus some which I do not have.

I decided to start this blog, after hours of sleepless nights were spent researching if anyone else is experiencing what I was. My list of symptoms seemed to be growing, and my anxiety along with it. I intend to use this blog for ongoing self healing, and somewhere safe that I can share my thoughts and stories.

I will be sharing my personal struggles, my full back story, what I think about medication, grounding techniques, all my crazy list of symptoms and we’ll dig in deeper to the different types of anxiety disorders.

I hope this reaches anyone who needs to know that they will be okay and yes, they certainly are not alone.