LETS TAKE IT FROM THE TOP

part one:

I grew up in a very loving family- mum, dad, two older brothers, myself and my little sister. I can’t remember much of my very early years, but my parents both acknowledge that I was a happy, creative and fun child.

My little sister and I would play for hours together. She was and still is my best friend. When I asked my parents if I had ever shown any signs of being anxious as a child, they both replied “no, but..” haha, so I suppose it started as a personality trait. I was reserved and self conscious. I’d much rather be told by my sister, Lynnette, to do this dance move, or put your hands up like this when we practiced our nightly dance concert that we provided to our lucky parents. Mum mentions I was clingy, and didn’t wander too far away from her side, and constantly needed reassurance.

In no way did my parents think anything more than being a little introverted, and as I grew up I showed no signs of anxiety. I had many friends and I just grew into myself, becoming more confident as the years went on.

I was in my final year in high school when I met my first real boyfriend. He was loud and overly confident. I’m not sure what attracted me, but we entered into a serious relationship within a few months. I was 17 when I moved out of home and we moved out together into an investment property my parents had.

I don’t think I ever recovered from the trauma

Not long after, I fell pregnant (BAM)!! I had just started my chef apprenticeship. I was too young and earning very little money, let alone able to support a child. We made the decision to terminate. This will be a surprise to many, even my family, as only my mum, my older brother David and Lynnette knew. I don’t think I ever recovered from the trauma of going through something like that. I still remember that day, down to the point where I was crying as they put me under, a lady, standing to my left, holding my hand, caressing my cheek.

I don’t know why I never saw a councillor. In fact I didn’t speak to anyone about it. I internalised everything and pretended like I was okay, which I look back now, I certainly was NOT OKAY.

Months go by and everything starts turning to shit. His demeanor towards me started to change. It started off with being told what to wear, I would get laughed at if I wore makeup and questioned if I wanted to buy something nice for myself. Slowly before my family’s eyes, I started to dress more sloppier and became evasive and withdrawn.

“I remember how you used to come home but wouldn’t stay long after dinner. He wanted to leave almost straight away. You were always uptight. You would always have to ask him if you could go anywhere and when he was around, you were so anxious to say anything in front of him.”

mum’s words

I was 19 when he asked me to marry him. Stupidly I said yes. I think I just thought that he would change if we got married and I wanted him to want me.

He was also a compulsive liar, but I just went with it, never questioning him. I had my own car and licence, whereas he didn’t. He told me he had lost his licence before I met him and he couldn’t get it back for a few years. 3 years go by then one night we get pulled over by the police. He was driving. They asked for his licence and he said “I don’t have one.” Police  replies, “ID? Have you ever obtained a licence?” He replies, “No, no licence, no previous convictions.”

What the actual fuck!!

I didn’t even bother saying anything.  I couldn’t believe he had lied to me about something so small.

He loved to control me. Since I was the one with the car, I had to drop and pick him up from work everyday. Mind you, I worked split shift 5 days a week and if I was late, I’d get glared at and ignored for hours. Many times his phone would get txts during the night. He’d always wander off with his phone, saying it was no one- right, I forgot I’m just a fool!!

One night he was fast asleep and his phone beeped. I quietly picked it up and looked at it. It was from a girl saying how she had so much fun with him the other night. I was so confused and hurt, who was this?

I was sinking into depression

He constantly yelled at me, accusing me of cheating, which I did not and would never consider. I went to work and came straight home everyday. Turns out he was the one cheating while I was at work. A friend confirms he was  sleeping around and knew some of the girls. Mum also confronted one of his women, who worked with her.

My dad and sister both reminded me of a day they realised I was sinking into depression. Together,  they had come to visit.
I wasn’t answering my phone but they knew I was home as my car was parked out front. The front door was locked but they broke in (we had a shit sliding door that could be unlocked if you knew the trick). They heard the shower on, and they were yelling out to me behind the closed bathroom door, but I didn’t answer. My sister opened the door and found me in the shower, lying on the floor crying.  She had to dry me and get me dressed. I don’t remember what happened that day, I must have blocked it out.

Because of all these things and much, much more, I could never concentrate at work, worrying about what he was doing constantly. I began to sneak to the toilet at work to cry, I carried around the feeling of impending doom, I started to feel paranoid that everyone was doing something behind my back. I was an emotional wreck.

back then, no one spoke about anxiety, i didn’t even know that’s what i had

Finally after 4 years, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I was mentally and emotionally drained. I rang my parents and said I wanted to leave him. I was so scared that they drove over to support me. He was away with some friends for the long weekend, so I knew he wouldn’t be home. I just packed up my stuff and left. When he got home and saw that  I wasn’t  there, he called me yelling down the phone, saying he would kill himself if I didn’t come back. I didn’t go back and I don’t think I slept for a week after that. I was a complete mess.

If I could go back and see my younger self, I would just hug her, hold her and tell her its not your fault. Why did I stay and put up with it for so long? its sounds sick, but I felt i didn’t deserve any better, when someone you love treats you like that, you start to believe it.

You know when people go through a traumatic event and come out the other side, they usually say I’m stronger for it? Well I disagree. I would want none of it. It’s  caused me to question everything