February 2020
I walk into the medical centre, barely holding myself together. This time I know what I’m here for. Finally for the first time I acknowledged that I needed help, no more pretending that it will go away. While waiting for the doctor to call my name, I nervously bounce my legs, wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans and dart my eyes around the room. I hate waiting rooms, it’s too quiet, people stare out of boredom and I become incredibly paranoid. Even though I’m silent, everything I do seems too loud and attracting. Ahhhhh!! Nowhere to hide! Finally, she calls my name. She smiles at me warmly and I follow her into the appointment room. Before she has even closed the door, I feel the tears building up.
I manage to blurt out I need to try the medication, followed by deep sobbing. I become a snotty mess. The doctor again agrees that medication will definitely help but I also need to keep in mind that the first medication I try, may not be the right one for me and it could be a lengthy process. I get it, everyone is different…I just need to find the right one for me! But at the same time, I thought, “for fucks sake I need to feel better TODAY!” ( also, not possible!! haha) There’s one thing she says that really sets me off. She mentions that there’s a high possibility that the medication will heighten my anxiety. I just about laughed in her face; I’m just holding on here!! how the hell am I going to survive if it gets worse? I was so close to changing my mind. Put it in the too hard basket! But I walked out of that medical centre, script in hand.
Oh and if you or anyone you know is thinking of trying medication, I would strongly suggest taking someone with you!! I don't think I absorbed any information the doctor had told me. I thought I was listening at the time, but I think I just watched her lips move! I ended up having to make another appointment the next day because I didn't ask any questions nor did I remember anything she had said!
I got the info I needed the following day, went next door to the pharmacy and got my medication. I had started on 50mg sertraline (Zoloft) I remember getting back into the car, opening the bag and just staring at the box, shaking. I read the little folded up paperwork that comes with the medication. I don’t recall ever reading or even opening that paperwork with any form of medication in the past. I would have read that paperwork a dozen times, maybe more over the next few weeks. I even looked it up online to get more information. I was so sure that I was going to have some sort of negative effect that I needed to be ready to see it straight away…..yup that’s anxiety.
Weeks one & two– I’m not going to sugar coat it, the next two weeks were completely shit for me! My anxiety was the highest I have ever experienced and it was constant all day and all night. Everything was heightened, it felt like an out of body experience. For example, I knew I was in my apartment, but it didn’t feel like it was. All the colours were too bright and everything felt a little too close or a little too far away. My vision went a little fuzzy at times and I had my first taste of vertigo…not nice!!! I didn’t sleep more than 2 hours the first few days, I felt so wired, but I felt exhausted at the same time. I had zero appetite, a constant headache and my hands would shake….all on top of feeling anxious as hell!!
Ive always loved showers. I can’t function in the morning without one and I find it hard to sleep without one at night,but my showers took on a whole new level of crazy repetition. To me, showers are a sense of relaxation, so when my anxiety felt unbearable, I would have a shower to try settle myself. I was having up to five showers a day. My partner Nic would close the toilet seat down and sit with me while I had them, so much comfort was given to me by him just being there.
Not once did he sigh loudly or show any frustration when I asked if he would walk around the block again for the fourth time, or the endless times he sat with me while I cried or the multiple times, I woke him up because I was so anxious I couldn’t sleep. I don’t think he will ever realise how much I needed him. He was and still is my rock and I am so incredibly fortunate to have him as my partner.
I hated the idea of being away from home, I felt so uncomfortable and worry would quickly set in. Apart from being at work I came straight home, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I wanted to be in my ” safe space.” One night my anxiety had been so fierce that no matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to calm down. My doctor had given me diazepam (Valium) for times likes these. Although she made it clear that I should not make a habit of it. Knowing that it is an addictive drug, that too became another thing to worry about…anyway, back to the story..
I had been feeling extremely anxious all day. I had tried all the things that usually help calm me down, but not today. Night came and I felt like I was starting to lose my mind. I had taken one diazepam…but still felt on edge. I was worried about taking another (my anxiety made me think something bad would happen, overdose? stop breathing or die?! extreme?…yeah, no shit!! Nic suggested we go for a drive, try something new, get some takeaway dinner. Maybe that would help? I was reluctant at first, not wanting to be away from home, but I agreed. We got five minutes down the road and I screamed at Nic to let me out, I couldn’t stand being in the car. I felt so claustrophobic, by then I was in full panic. My hands and legs had severe pins and needles and my hands cramped in on themselves. My legs felt like led and I found it had to walk. I seriously thought I was going to die. Finally, I gave into my fears and took another diazepam…within 20mins the cramps had stopped, and I felt like I had my breath back. I was so mentally drained; I went to bed and was actually able to sleep the night through.
Weeks three, four and five – things started to ease off slightly. It wasn’t a walk in the park, but things didn’t feel as bad.
Week six – FANTASTIC!!! no anxiety! I was in shock, I felt like I was finally getting somewhere!
March 2020 (COVID HITS)
I had only just started on medication when the first reports of COVID-19 came out. It scared the shit out of me, as it did many people. My anxiety was pushed into overdrive. In my mind I was sure I was going to get it. I was one of the lucky employees who kept their job. The cafe I work at remained open, with limited hours and takeaway only of course. So because I was still working, I became anxious about catching the virus from a customer.
Although COVID messed with me mentally, I was secretly happy. It meant I didn’t have to go anywhere and I was safe in my bubble at home with Nic. No doubt the following week had something to do with the world around me changing.
Week seven– BAM! Anxiety back in full swing. I was shattered! I was at work when my anxiety started. I had felt it slowly brewing all morning. I walked to the toilet knowing I needed a good cry, somewhere I could hide too. I felt defeated, I was on such a high the week before, only to head back to square one. It fucking sucked!!!
All my usual symptoms returned, and so too did frustration. I took myself back to the doctor, who then recommended I up my dose to 100mg. I wasn’t happy!! I was so worried about experiencing all those side effects I had previously, that I opted to increase to 75mg first, then to 100mg.
Even with the slight increase my anxiety didn’t improve much, although panic attacks were less frequent.
One more story perhaps?? I have many! Another night I had just finished eating dinner. I started feeling anxious, so I took a diazepam, not wanting to deal with another panic attack, but it didn’t really help. I had this sensation like something was stuck in my throat and it progressively got worse, along with the pins and needles and chest pains. I told Nic I needed to go to the hospital. I found the closest one which happened to be private. Not knowing at the time that I would need to pay $200 just to see a doctor. I didn’t care though, I just wanted help! Turns out, that yep, it’s a panic attack. Nothing lodged in my throat! The doctor asks why I’m only taking the 75mg and not the 100mg,I explain my worries. After a good chat, I have decided the next day I would start the full 100mg.
Lo and behold, my transition was smooth, and the anxiety….gone! But within a few weeks I started waking up with shortness of breath and a constant dry cough that would wake me up every night. I was then prescribed an antacid (rabeprazole) to help treat gastroesophageal reflux (GERD),as well as melatonin, to aid sleep. Within months I had gone from only taking a contraceptive pill, to taking four different medications, sometime five! I didn’t like the idea of medication to start with!!
After few weeks of taking all medication my symptoms had subsided, but there I found this feeling of dissatisfaction. I felt numb and not myself. Along with all medications, there’s possible side effects. Weight gain was a big one. Within five months I had gained 6kg. As well as sexual side effects I had problems with very low libido & blocked orgasm. Both of which I didn’t have a problem with beforehand.
It quickly turned into feelings of self-consciousness and early signs of depression. I was so frustrated, yes, the anxiety had disappeared, but new problems had arisen.
I had to do something!!! but what…i didn’t know!