PART 3:
It was only last year that I really sat down and allowed myself to feel the hurt I had suppressed throughout the years.
With the help of a psychologist, I was able to dig a little deeper. Sure, all the events that I have previously highlighted were all legitimate reasoning for my anxiety. But we discovered more!!
here we go….down the yellow brick road…
Above: left- family photo 1990, right- mum & dad!
I grew up in a family where love was shown abundantly. I remember clearly, my parents holding hands when they walked around in public, giving each other kisses and hugs, constant laughing and sharing jokes.
What I didn’t see was how their relationship had changed once it was just the two of them living together and the kids moving out. Empty nesters pursuing their own lives. Both parents are not yellers, so when there was a disagreement, they just had an hour or so alone time. Then it was spoken about and they moved on. I remember feeling like one of the lucky ones that my parents were still together. Looking around and seeing most of my friend’s parents had separated, never in a million years did I ever think they would divorce.
It was 2012, and I was 25. I had already decided on my move to Adelaide. My anxiety was sparse and I was in a good place mentally and financially. My parents had recently relocated to a small town, inland of Brisbane. I had flown over from Cairns to spend some time with them before my move to Adelaide. I had noticed both parents seemed distant, not their usual bright selves. While dad was at work, mum and I had lots of time to catch up. I have always been close to both parents so speaking openly to them was quite normal. I remember asking mum what was wrong. Thinking she would say something like, “oh we’re just tired from setting everything up” instead she said “I’m thinking of leaving dad.”It felt like a punch to the stomach.
They separated after 26 years of marriage.
People always talk about small children being affected by separation or divorce, but rarely you hear about adults being affected. In my opinion, it’s just as bad. As an adult I felt unequipped, and completely disorientated.
My parents tried couple therapy, one on one therapy and trailed separation.
I think dad always thought mum would come back home and things would go back to normal, but that didn’t happen.
I was settled in Adelaide when I got the phone call that mum had left. My sister was living in Canada at the time and my two brothers, well.. they’re two guys and I think my parents just felt more comfortable talking to me
about their problems. I became their confidante. We shared a solid bond and they knew I would listen without judgement.
It was then that my mental health began to suffer.
I would get phone calls from dad almost nightly. He was so sad, depressed and confused or he would just cry and I’d cry along with him. I felt so helpless and heartbroken for him. It almost felt like I was grieving a loved one. Instead it was their marriage. I’m not saying any of this was easy for mum either, but she was able to hold herself together a little better. She has always been the strong one. Then after time, the sadness healed and in its place came anger. I began having to pass on messages, so they didn’t have to communicate directly. I was put in a tough spot, I felt torn at times between my loyalty and my love for each of them.
I then started to resent them, I would feel like the adult and my parents, my children. I just wanted them to sort out their own shit and let me be there to support when needed.
Above- Dad and I 2014, top right- Mum & I 2016, bottom right- Me, Dad, Lynnette 2014
Dad would often fly down to Adelaide to visit, even surprising me on a few occasions and with our weekly phone chats, we remained really close. Mum was fulfilling her dream of becoming a registered nurse, so she was quite busy with work and study. Although wespoke on the phone regularly, I felt like our bond had been lost and with that I started blaming myself. I felt I should have shown her the support like I did for dad.
Finally, in 2016 their divorce was settled, it was a relief for everyone…I think, they could move on with their own lives.
Sometime before the settlement of their divorce, dad met another woman. Slowly he became distant and evasive, stopped taking phone calls, promises of get- togethers were broken, and he deleted me off Facebook. I was extremely hurt and confused. Who the hell was this guy, because he sure wasn’t the dad I grew up with and knew so well. His new partner was controlling and manipulative. My siblings and I would constantly get messages or phone calls from her that would be full of abusive foul language, and he just let it happen.
2017 I turned 30, I had a great day with family and friends, but dad wasn’t present. I tried putting on a brave face, waiting patiently for a call wishing me happy birthday. It may sound trivial- but it was a huge thing to me. He didn’t call. In fact the next time he did call was three months later on Christmas day. By that time, I was so angry I refused to speak to him. I was so angry for years, how he had put zero effort in. Then one day I decided I just would block out all my feelings when it came to him. When anyone would talk about him, I’d just shrug my shoulders. I had pretty much swept him under the carpet….I didn’t have a dad. I felt nothing. Then I hear that he had left his partner. I didn’t really think anything of it…good, I guess? No more phone calls from that crazy lady!!
When he was single again, he tried to contact me, but I wasn’t interested. Caller ID would pop up with his name and I’d just look at it and wait for it to ring out. He had pushed me to a point that I didn’t know where to start to fix it.
It’s been 5 years since I’ve seen my dad in person, and to me that’s ridiculous. Even though everyone in my immediate family live in different states, we make the effort to see each other once a year, maybe even twice. So, it just pisses me off knowing he lives in the same country but he may as well live in Micronesia- the most isolated country in the world.
Above: left-last time I spent time with my dad. right- mum and dad, already separated, also last time I’ve seen them at the same time. 2015
I didn’t really consider my parents’ divorce or my absent dad to have contributed to my anxiety, but looking back on it, especially written down, it absolutely did. I’m happy to say now, once I did figure it out, it blew my mind. I knew what I needed to do.
I answered that phone call, when he finally did ring. These calls are still quite new, only starting a few months ago, but we now speak every two weeks, even if it’s for 10 minutes. I feel like my anxiety had started to shift, even if it’s only a few steps forward. Thats the thing with anxiety, no one can fix it for you, only you can make changes to help yourself relieve it. Force yourself to do something you don’t want to do, nine times out of ten you’ll feel amazing after it. It won’t be easy but you have to try!
Through all of this, my relationship with my mum has grown stronger. She has remained the constant loving parent she has always been and one of the few people I can rely on. Hopefully my dad can re-join that team soon.
